


Struggling with Yourself

by InvisibleAce



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alex needs a hug, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Band as a Family, Hurt/Comfort, Not Beta Read, time jumps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:34:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26708311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InvisibleAce/pseuds/InvisibleAce
Summary: Alex had always felt different, drumming fixed that, until it didn't.
Relationships: Alex & the band, Alex/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms), Julie Molina/Luke Patterson
Comments: 9
Kudos: 490





	Struggling with Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for the love on my other Julie and the Phantoms fic! These dorks have taken over my life and I'm okay with that. 
> 
> Again, this is just my take on how the boys were back in the 90s. I have so many questions about them that I need a season two! 
> 
> *** WARNING!! This fic has anxiety attacks and mentions parents not being accepting and just the smallest tiny bit of violence (arm grabbing). No words are actually said but it is in there. Please be careful if that's something that might upset you! ***

Alex had always felt different. 

He often felt like he didn’t fit in with people around him. During elementary school, when all the other boys would get beyond dirty at recess, he would be found playing (calmly) on the playground or on the swings. His parents would always smile and call him a ladies man, seeing that he would hang out with the girls more than the boys. 

In middle school, when girls became the focus of what seemed to be all his male classmates, he could have cared less about dating. His friends, a term he would use loosely, had relationship after relationship. Claiming to love one girl one week and other the following. He didn’t understand the appeal of breaking up and dating someone new almost weekly. It made his head hurt. 

Alex did find a love though. Something that made him feel whole for once, like a piece of him that he found was missing in sixth grade was found. 

Drumming. 

His music teacher, Mr. Evans, held him back one day after class. Alex was riddled with anxiety as he waited for the classroom to empty. He couldn’t figure out why his teacher would keep him behind. He hasn’t done anything wrong. In fact he’s quite quiet in class. He tried his best to hide in the background. 

Turns out Mr. Evans had an idea in mind for him. He’s seen how withdrawn and shy Alex has been (all his life, so?) and wanted to help him. Apparently music was a great way to be heard even without talking, or even being seen. People look for the instrument, not the person playing it. 

Alex wasn’t sure how true that statement was but he wasn’t about to argue with his teacher. 

Mr. Evans led him down to the band room and introduced him to drumming. 

At first, Alex was a little unsure. Weren’t the drums the most important part of a song? Keeps the entire rhythm and all that. His palms were sweating as he was handed the drum sticks and gently gestured towards the stool behind the kit. He hesitated for a moment long before biting the bullet and taking a seat. He could humor the teacher, who looked so hopeful. 

When Alex took a seat and got comfortable, a weird feeling settled over him. His eyes widened as he felt more comfortable behind the drum kit than he ever remembers. Which was weird right? He doesn’t really understand it. Maybe it was because he was practically hidden behind the drum kit; or that he had to stay put and couldn’t accidentally trip himself. 

Everyday after school Mr. Evans taught Alex how to play. 

Alex surprised himself, and his teacher, just how quickly he was able to pick it up. It felt like a whole new part of him was coming out. Where he would mumble over his words, the sound of the drums were loud and couldn’t be missed. When he would be unsure how to word things, or even just anxious in general, the drums were sturdy. He felt like he could be a part of something without the embarrassment. 

Finally there was something he was good at. Something that was all his. 

A few weeks after he mastered the drums, he was in the band room just messing around. Nothing serious. He found music sheets to a random song laying around the room and figured why not. He was so invested in his drumming that he didn’t notice the sound of other instruments joining in right away. 

He stopped abruptly, jumping back and almost falling off the stool when he noticed that two other boys had joined him. He managed to catch himself before he could actually fall but his sticks clattered to the ground loudly. He winced at the sound but watched the two other boys with wide eyes. His anxiety spiked in his chest. 

The bass and guitar that usually sat untouched in front of the drum kit were, well, not so much untouched. 

“Why’d you stop?” The one boy asked, his hair sweeping across his forehead. “We sounded awesome!” 

Alex had no idea what to say. He wasn’t even listening to the three of them play. He watched as the other boy, who’s hair was slicked back, retrieved Alex’s drumsticks and handed them back to him with a smile. Alex’s breath caught in his throat. His smile was really cute. 

In fact, both of these boys were. 

Please don’t let that be written all over his face. 

“Thanks,” Alex managed to get out as he took his sticks back. He knew his face was bright red though. He could feel his cheeks getting warm. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around before,” The swoopy hair boy said. He grinned and Alex felt like he was blinded by it. “I’m Luke and this is Reggie.” 

Alex swallowed and willed himself to keep breathing, “Alex.” 

“Seriously dude, you’re a fantastic drummer,” Reggie said. “Luke’s right. We sounded pretty killer together.” 

Alex relaxed a bit and sat back down. These boys weren’t there to mock him. It almost sounded like they wanted to join him. That thought was baffling. No one ever wanted to hang out with him. 

“I wasn’t really listening,” Alex admitted sheepishly. 

The two other boys let out loud laughs and he knew they were laughing with him, not at him. Alex found himself smiling along with them. 

Luke shook his head, a smile still on his face. He adjusted his guitar. “From the top?” 

“And maybe try to listen this time.” Reggie laughed. 

In that poorly lit band room, in the late afternoon, Sunset Curve was born. 

* * *

Alex knew he was different than Luke and Reggie. 

During middle school it was just a feeling that he had. Drumming had fixed it but, as the three of them grew closer and high school started, it came back with a vengeance. 

Reggie was currently going off about the latest girl that caught his attention and Alex just shared a look with Luke. As much as a flirt that Reggie came off as, he hardly makes a move. He’ll pull a bad one liner out from somewhere and that was about the end of it. He’ll just talk their ears off for a day or two afterwards. 

Luke would talk about a girl he found cute every once in a while but the band and their music was his main focus. He could be as bad as Reggie sometimes though at times. Writing stupid love songs about a girl in his science class that he’s never spoken to. 

Alex figured that he just hadn’t found the right girl yet. Everyone knew everyone at their school so there was hardly a girl he hadn’t heard something about. Sure he finds girls just cute in general but he never really stopped and thought about dating one. The idea alone makes him uncomfortable. Girls were too soft. 

It clicked one day when he kept messing up in rehearsals due to the fact that Luke had ditched his usual flannel and cut the sleeves off his shirt. He couldn’t look away long enough to get himself to chill the hell out about the muscles flexing when Luke played. 

Oh. Oh no. 

It made too much sense now. 

Alex was gay. 

* * *

Months after his world shattering revelation, Alex decided that he would take the secret to his grave. He’s heard about how gay people treated in everyday life. How hard it could be if someone even started a rumor. 

It kept him up at night. He would stare at the ceiling for hours, trying to figure out why the universe was out to get him. Anxious and gay. Two of the worst things to be in the eyes of society. 

He never wished to change that part of himself. It was terrifying to know and he was always very self aware of himself during the day. He just didn’t want anyone to know. All it took was a person knowing and then the entire school - entire neighborhood - would know. 

He was terrified of his parents finding out. Of his friends finding out. 

Apparently he wasn’t doing as well as a job at hiding it as he thought. He knew he was more anxious lately. His focus in rehearsal was terrible. He was short with his friends and always antsy. He just couldn’t help it. 

His dumbass should’ve known that his friends would have caught on and confronted him about it. 

It was after a late rehearsal. The three of them were lounging on the couch, pressed together tightly. Bobby had headed home for the night, seeming to be the only other one who didn’t have a bad home life. Not at Alex’s was terrible, not nearly as bad as Luke’s and Reggie’s, but his dad was hard to be around sometimes. He was always so degrading and judgemental over the smallest things. It was exhausting to deal with. 

So he would often crash at the studio with Luke and Reggie. Bobby would stay the night on a rare occasion. 

Alex was in the middle of trying to balance one of his drumsticks in his palm. It wasn’t going that well. He kept having to reach for it before it fell to the floor. 

“So, what’s been up with you?” Luke asked, never one for being subtle. 

“What do you mean?” Alex played dumb, focusing on his drumstick. That one was up longer! 

Reggie snatched the drumstick out of his hand, Alex letting out a yell of surprise. How dare he take his only distraction from looking his friends in the eye. 

“We mean that you’ve been distant and seemingly more anxious than usual,” Reggie answered. His voice was filled with worry. “Just yesterday you snapped at Bobby for dropping his guitar pick.” 

Alex flushed at that. “I apologized for that! I’ve just been tired and stuff.” 

“Is everything okay at home?” Luke asked after a moment of hesitation. 

Alex shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so.” 

He knew Luke and Reggie shared a look over his head. He had slumped further into the couch, staring at his hands trying not to fidget. That was always his give away. If he fidgets they’ll know for sure he’s lying. Though Alex isn’t sure he’s doing a great job at covering it up anyway. 

“So what is it then?” Reggie asked. 

Alex’s heart was in his throat. He tried to swallow but felt like he was being choked. He felt terrible for lying to his friends. Honestly, who’s to say that they’ll react negatively? Luke and Reggie were the most understanding and open minded guys he knows. Surely Alex being gay wouldn’t change their friendhsip at all. The possibility that it could have scared him but what scared him more was that he was changing the whole band's dynamic by hiding. Them thinking that Alex didn’t trust them by lying. 

He released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He was still looking down at his hands. Before he could lose his edge and retreat back into himself, he spoke. 

“I’m gay.”

Alex felt like crying. It was the first time he had said those words out loud. It felt good but terrifying at once. His biggest secret wasn’t just his anymore. Two people knew and there was nothing really stopping someone else finding out if Luke and Reggie passed it on. Oh god. He couldn’t breathe. He probably just outed himself to the whole school come Monday. Everyone was gonna know. His vision was starting to go blurry. 

Someone was shaking him, though it could’ve been from his nerves. His mouth was drying and he squeezed his eyes shut to avoid seeing the room spin before him. There was a hand on his arm, another one clinging onto his fist. It sounded like someone was yelling his name. 

“Alex! Alex, dude, please. Please breathe. It’s okay, you’re okay.” Reggie’s voice became more clear as Alex’s lungs forced him to draw breath. His friend was rubbing his shoulder encouragely. 

None of them spoke again until Alex felt like the room had stopped spinning and his breathing evened out. His hands were still shaking but he felt more aware. He was very aware that he just told his two best friends he was gay and they were yet to say anything. 

They hadn’t pulled away in disgust yet. In fact, if anything, they were sitting closer to him. Reggie still had his hand on his back, a comforting touching reminding him he wasn’t alone and Luke was still holding onto his hand. It was no longer clenched into a fist, simply behind held between Luke’s. 

“You good?” Luke broke the silence. 

Alex just nodded. 

“So, you’re gay?” 

Alex nodded again. 

A beat. Silence. The sound of breathing filled the room. Reggie’s hand left his back but before Alex could overthink the worse, an arm wrapped around his shoulder and pulled him flushed against Reggie’s side. 

“Thanks for telling us dude,” Reggie spoke. Alex doesn’t think he’s ever heard his friend so serious. “It changes nothing, just so you know.” 

Alex didn’t know what to think. “What- really? You guys don’t care?” 

Luke looked offend from his seat on the coffee table. “Of course we don’t. You’re still you. A crazy good drummer and friend. We just know a little more about you now.” 

Alex was crying. He buried his face into Reggie’s shoulder. He felt his friend tighten his arm around him and Luke took one of his hands again. Alex let himself enjoy being accepting and cared for. The complete opposite of what he thought was gonna happen. He really loved his friends. 

“We love you too, dude,” Luke squeezed his hand. 

Alex pulled back from the hug, wiping his eyes as he looked at his friends. “Thanks guys.” 

“Nothing to thank us for,” Reggie’s smile turned into a smirk. “So, do you think I’m cute?” 

Luke groaned and shoved Reggie but Alex out a loud laugh and they kept coming. He hadn’t laughed so much since… wow. He couldn’t remember when. Leave it to Reggie to make a situation less tense. 

Alex felt lighter, unafraid as he joined his friends back on the couch. He was sandwiched between Luke and Reggie and drifted off to sleep feeling safer than ever before. 

* * *

Telling his friends had given him the courage to tell his parents. 

He didn’t let himself think about it too much, seeing that he would just convince himself that he shouldn’t. His plan was to tell them at dinner and, hopefully, end in hugs. 

It didn’t end in hugs. 

It ended with his dad yelling, his voice so loud it hurt Alex’s ears. Insult after insult was aimed at him and they dug deeper with each passing second. His heart was racing in his throat. He’s never been so afraid of his dad before. He tried to look over at his mom but he was too scared to move. He was too scared to take his eyes off his father, as if he would attack the moment he wasn’t looking. 

At this point he didn’t know what to expect. 

The situation took a turn for the worse after his dad grabbed his arm. He was roughly pulled from his seat, tripping over his feet trying to right himself. The grip his dad had hurt. He tried to shake him off but the hand only gripped harder. 

Alex felt tears welling in his eyes but he refused to let them fall. His dad’s insults and comments fell onto deaf ears. He finally looked over at his mom but the usual caring look in her eyes was replaced with disgust. 

His heart shattered in that moment. 

His dad dragged him towards the door and the next thing Alex knew he was stumbling to the ground. His dad loomed over him in the doorway. He snarled at him to never come back and the door slammed as his dad disappeared from sight. 

Alex felt numb all over. His arm hurt. His heart was shattered but somehow it was still beating. He didn’t have a home anymore. Didn’t have a family, 

He didn’t regret his choice in telling them for a moment though. 

Slowly he lifted himself off the ground and took off running. His mind was racing, tears fell down his cheeks and his knees threatened to give out but he still ran. 

He went to the studio, not knowing if any of his friends are gonna be there. It was the only safe place he knew to go. He knew he couldn’t just show up to his friends house. They all have their own issues going on. 

The studio came into view and he ran faster, slamming into the doors and not caring if the doors hit the walls. They shook by the force of it, slowly going back into place. They didn’t shut all the way but Alex didn’t care. He couldn’t focus on anything right now. 

He collapsed in a heap on the floor, hunched over himself as the tears kept coming. Loud sobs wracked his body. It felt as if someone had ripped out his heart. Stomped on his stomach. Left him for dead. He couldn't breathe. 

After… he doesn’t know how long, his breathing even out and he simply stared at the wall. Hair was hanging in his face, his eyes dry and stinging. Lips hurting from biting them. 

The sound of a bike stopping snapped him out of his daze. He looked over at the door as they opened and Luke appeared, a bag and his guitar over his shoulders. Alex didn’t move from his spot on the floor as him and Luke just stared at each other. 

“You okay?” Alex winced at how destroyed his voice sounded. 

Luke let his bags drop to the floor as he walked over to Alex. “I could ask you the same thing.” 

Alex just shook his head. 

Luke sat next to him but didn’t reach out to touch him. Alex wasn’t sure if he was happy with that or not. “Telling your folks didn’t go well?” 

Alex nodded. “Dad screamed, mom looked disgusted and then my dad kicked me out.” 

That made Luke reach out for him but he touched the spot where his dad had grabbed him. Alex couldn’t hold back his wince and Luke stilled. Alex saw his friend's jaw clench as he worked out what just happened. Luke looked like he was about to bolt and go do something stupid. 

“Please don’t do anything,” Alex whispered, grabbing Luke’s arm for good measure. “It’s over with. I’ll get through it.” 

Luke nodded but didn’t look happy about being stopped. He looked over at the couch. “We might have to get a pull out, since we’ll be roommates now.” 

Alex frowned. “What happened?” 

Luke shrugged. “It seems kinda selfish now but my mom and I got in a fight again about the band. I packed my stuff and left.” 

“It’s not selfish,” Alex shrugged and pushed the hair out of his face. “You gotta do what you gotta do.” 

Luke sent him a sad smile. “I love you dude.” 

The door slamming open, again, stopped Alex from answering. The two friends looked up from their spot on the floor to see Reggie stumble over to them, looking miserable. He didn’t say anything as he took a seat in front of them. He sighed and looked at his friends. 

“Home is overrated.” 

“Your folks fighting again?” Luke asked. 

Reggie shrugged. “Mom mentioned divorce and my dad didn’t, um, didn’t seem to like that option. I left before it got worse.” 

“Your mom gonna be okay?” Alex asked. 

Reggie just nodded. 

“Welcome as our third roommate Reg,” Luke tried to joke but it didn’t quite land. 

Reggie didn’t question why they were all suddenly roommates but that’s something Alex loves about him. He’s goofy but perspective. He doesn’t push or ask questions; he just seems to know. Alex might not have his actual family anymore but he still has his brothers. The three of them made a pathetic trio with a crapload of home problems but at least they had each other. 

* * *

Alex died. 

He was dead and made of air. So was Luke and Reggie. 

Well, was. 

He still didn’t know how all that worked. People could see the three of them and hug them but they could still poof places and turn invisible. It gave Alex a headache if he thought about it for too long. 

Julie was nice though. She became like a sister to him. One of the best things to come out of randomly showing up 25 years later. 

Willie was nice too. Really nice. Alex really liked holding his hand and braiding his hair for him. He made him feel less afraid to be himself, even if people couldn’t see him at that point. Alex never thought he would have the chance to find a boy he could care about so much. It felt amazing to be given the chance. 

Even Caleb, as terrible as he was, made him feel welcomed and safe at his club. 

Besides the time he tried to use Willie as a bribe to get Alex to play in his band for eternity. 

It was Julie and Willie who told him about how different the world is regarding gay rights. Things weren’t perfect but it was improving each year regardless of all it’s setbacks. Not being straight was coming to be more and more normal with each generation. It was just something that was a part of who you are, not something that defined you. 

He never felt like he had to tell Julie but, she was his friend, and deserved to hear it from him. Clearly she already knew from how much he talked about Willie and the blush he knew was on his face when doing so. 

Julie had hugged him for a really long time after he told her. 

"Thank you for telling me Alex," She said into his shirt, voice sounding a little wet. 

And that was the start of her talking about boys, well, Luke, with him whenever she could. 

Over the summer was when Julie brought Alex to his first pride event. Luke and Reggie went with, eyes just as wide as the three of them took in all the rainbows and people of the same sex holding hands as they walked; totally not caring who saw. Julie was quick to buy him a small rainbow pin that she proudly put on the strap of his bag. 

Alex could just stare at the girl in front of him, overwhelmed by acceptance that radiated from her. Alex never thought that anyone outside of Luke and Reggie would accept him, would even know. Julie had taken him by surprise, had gone beyond anything he could’ve imagined with bringing him to pride. 

Willie appeared sometime after, joining them while watching the parade. 

Alex’s face hurt from smiling and laughing so much. Remembering what happened with his parents still stung, a pain that was so deep he doesn’t think he’ll get over it anytime soon. But, being out in public surrounded by people like him and with his friends, it all felt small. 

He didn’t feel so different. 

**Author's Note:**

> come scream about julie and the phantoms with me on tumblr: marvelgalaxies


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